Monday, October 09, 2006

My fate is sealed

Oh yes. Yes, it is.

I thought it was fairly certain how I would be when I get older. I'd be that little old eccentric lady on the corner, who lives with fifteen or twenty feline chilluns. Nope. Today, I got a glimpse of who I just may truly be in twenty or thirty years.

Three guys pulled their Jeep SUV into my yard this afternoon. When I heard the engine turn off, I waited a few minutes. You know, so I could ignore them when they knocked on the door. Nothing. I went to the bedroom door and looked into the driveway from the second floor window. Nothing. Now, when I say they parked in my yard, I mean that literally. They parked so far into the yard, I couldn't see the Jeep until I came downstairs and looked out the side window. They had come about twenty feet past the driveway and missed the Bertgarten Sage by about three feet.

If they had come much closer, it may have been a killing offense. They may not look like much but nobody messes with my animals or my plants!

So, out the door I go (_insert George Thorogood guitar licks here_). I get to the corner of the house and these twenty something-ish guys come from out from the backyard. I see three confused smiles on three confused faces. Honestly, I was only thinking, "What fresh hell is this?" but I can only imagine the smile on my face. I think it may have said, "Hi. You can leave or I can kill you. I don't care which."

Here's the conversation that followed:

"Hi. You want to get out of my yard?"

"Somebody told us this place was abandoned, I mean, no one lived here. We were looking at buying it."

"Nope. Sorry. Ciao."

"Oh. Sorry to have bothered you."


Before they could say anything else, I headed back to the door. They pissed me off and I'm not really proud of what I did next. It was petty and childish but I slammed the door behind me. All the while, I thought, "Granted, it isn't Better Homes and Gardens quality, the house could use a good coat of paint and the grass is a little long but abandoned?! Don't people see me going back and forth to the studio all the time? Don't they hear me blasting my music when I'm there? Besides, who the hell puts laundry out on the line of an abandoned house - which they drove by when they nearly murdered the sage?"

That's when it occurred to me that I have just gotten a taste of my possible future if I stay here. No, I'm not going to be the little eccentric cat-lady. I'm going to be like the witch in Big Fish, with the neighborhood kids making up scary stories about mean old me and all my evil exploits. "They say if she sees you, you're going to turn into a zombie! Then she buries you in that cemetery until she needs zombie parts for her evil spells - or worse, paint for her evil paintings! Oh, and her cats? They're the size of tigers and they will EAT you!"

Imagine it - me. Possibly a future urban legend. There's only one thing I can say to that. Cool beans.

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1 comment:

Unknown said...


That's awesome. I love it-it's perfect. Makes me want to come by and get chased off by your sharp tongue and your grimalkins.