BAMCO!

HEADLINE: Sumner County Woman Found
BYLINE: Joannie Snigglebotham, contributing editor

A Sumner County Woman was found lying unconscious in her studio yesterday.  The woman, Azra, is resting tonight in a local hospital after police initially thought that she had been beaten and possibly robbed.  It soon became clear that she was apparently the victim of a self improvement scam.


After a quick search of the area, police found a BAMCO Attitude Adjustment System 3000^TM.  It had apparently ricocheted into the weeds after it impacted Ms. Azra’s head.  According to Cora Reeve of the Better Business Bureau, Ms. Azra’s incident isn’t an uncommon one.  “Unfortunately, we’ve got an entire file drawer dedicated solely to the BAMCO company.  People see their infomercial on TV and think this product is the answer to all their problems.”

The infomercials, filmed and edited by GooseSpill Studios in Nashville, have been running mainly late nights on UHF stations such as the local UPN station.  "We thought they were part of a practical joke, something like what you'd see on that Ashton Kutcher show. We had no idea that this was supposed to be an actual product. Come on. You're kidding me, right? Where's Ashton? Come on out, Dude!" said Mac Gilicutty, owner of GooseSpill.

The commercials promise a better life, complete with more confidence, popularity, money and verve with the consistent use of their system.  What the commercials do not say is the system consists of a stick with a rubberized handle, which the user must apply to the side of the head in a somewhat forceful manner.  

When asked for comment in her hospital room, Ms. Azra replied, “All I wanted was that little kick, you know - that little extra boost to get me off my behind and motivate me to work toward reaching my dreams.  When the commercial said it could deliver The Cosmic Clue by Four for a better life, I believed it.  Looking back on it, it’s a little embarrassing, really.”