I've been trying my best to get back into the blogging spirit for days. It seems that if I'm not just sitting and staring at the screen, I'm way, way into TMI land. While I'm sure the TMI has potential of grabbing me ones of new readers, I've had entirely too much grief this past year and don't want or need any more. It's been nearly too much to deal with as it is. That's not to say that I won't have a fit of...something or another and the TMI will show its face anyway.
The last twelve months have certainly proved that. While it has been very tough - mentally, emotionally and spiritually - I have to say I wouldn't change it for the world. I thought I knew what I was made of before. Now I'm more sure. Of course, this knowledge comes with a wish to go back several years in time to those folks who gave me no end of grief and insisted I was an "Earth Mother"...and kick the everloving shit out of them for being right. Hell, they needed kicking anyway. They were jerks.
Some of the lessons I've dealt with in this past year involved strength. I found myself in a situation where I had to deal with bullying and verbal abuse while caring for a loved one. I had never seen this side of the person, although I had certainly heard about it. I was shocked when it reared its ugly head to me. While I didn't exactly deal with it with grace and aplum, I did my best. I do not put up with overgrown, obnoxious brats.
Other lessons are harder to deal with. They are hard because they deal with the heart. Again, I have not dealt with them with grace and aplum...more with tears, incomprehension and depression. Although I have been engaged in the past and certainly cared for that person; I wasn't sure that I was really capable of love. Well, I'm sure now. I found someone that, after everything, I love more than anything but I can't give him the one thing he asked of me. I can't just be a friend to him. At least, not now. Not after all those trips to the movies, to church and to the mountains. Not after all that laughter and silly stuff we've shared. Not after the conversations we've had while driving down the road - even the serious topics he couldn't believe I got him to talk about, like what heaven would be like and whether anyone other than Christians would go there. I can't just be a friend after trying to be there for him when he got down after a friend's wedding or those rare times he talked about his dad's alzheimer's. I can't be a friend after seeing how he got when they tried to screw him over a job he absolutely loved and his trying to decide whether to stay with it, find another job or possibly even striking out on his own with a repair shop. I can't be a friend after knowing how much he wants kids and realizing, after all these years of being an avowed child free person, that yeah - kids with him would be great.
Don't get me wrong. He isn't perfect. He is bossy and can be fairly critical when things aren't done the way he would do them. He is hardheaded and sometimes sees the world in terms of black and white. Sometimes, he can't see what's right in front of him for things that are in the distance, be it in the past or the 'could be.' There are a few things I'm not even going to mention for fear of the dear readers' fragile - or even not so fragile - stomachs. No, he is far from perfect but perfection is overrated anyway...but at the moment, I guess it doesn't matter what I think.
Well.
I guess I finally got something written, huh? Even if it's a soliloquy on that guy (I hope it doesn't sound stalkerish!) Now to keep the writing up for more than just one entry and get more sketches and paintings up here.
Have a good day, y'all and thank you for reading this far. I'll leave you with a prayer from T. Thorn Coyle:
Holy Mother, in whom we live, move and have our being, from you all things emerge and unto you all things return...
Open our hearts this blessed day. Touch our bodies and our minds. Walk with us through the gates of power, in shadow and starlight, in fire meeting earth, in wind on the ocean and the sweet kiss of life.
Blessed be our journey.
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